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Subject:soo true rules to follow if you wanna get laid
Time:11:54 pm
Dear Gentlemen,

Ahhh women. Enchanting and mysterious. No? Yes.. and we like it that way, don't we? Yes I think so. Still. You could use a heads up in certain areas. And your girlfriend isn’t going to tell you. She’s going to tell everyone BUT you. So just in case you share anything in common with my girlfriends’ boyfriends you might want to have a little look-see at the below advice.





Truly Not Yours,

Dew



Contributors (in no particular order):



Sister Scotchy McDrunkerson

Moody Pants

Buddha Mama

Origami Momi

(A)Dew(Z)

Chaibaby

sunmoonstars

Banana Pants

Loree Harrell Writes and Paints

Salacious Bee





“Let me direct your attention to an easily forgotten fact: The vaginal canal is NOT the Mecca of sensation in the female genitalia. That's right, it isn't packed with nerves that would make child birth even more of an unbearable hell. Nature is a mother, but she ain't THAT cruel. If you're planning on planting your face in her crotch, may I draw your attention to the little man in the boat? If she looks bored, you're clearly doing something wrong, so take your tongue out of her hole and do something useful with it.





“Do not solicit high fives afterward. If you really were stellar, you'd hear about it. Maybe as an "OMIGAWD!" and fingernail tracks down your back...but when you have to ask? Well...she's gonna lie if she likes you.





“There’s something that has nothing to do with what you’re doing or I’m doing. There’s something that can be drawn tight in the air between us. Find that and help me twist it.





“When I'm moaning, making incoherent yummy sounds, swearing, or speaking in tongues, this is not a good time to "switch it up". That means you're actually doing it right, go with it.





“Somebody told everyone once that if you randomize your strokes you’re going to be able to hold out longer. Problem is. She’s not going to want you to. Not if every sixth stroke you’re slamming your cock into her cervix in such a way that it makes her wax sentimental about her last pap smear. If it‘s keeping you from "cuming" it‘s probably working that way for her too.





“Quid pro quo, Clarise... Nobody should have to do all of the work. Share and share alike...or take turns. Whatever. But trust me when I say that giving you blow jobs just for the thrill of it pisses us off. Next time, you'd better be prepared to reciprocate.





“Size matters. Long enough is great until you‘re probing my uterus. Girth is welcomed until I can’t get it in there without needing an episiotomy. Either way don’t expect size or your dick to carry the show for me just because it does for you.





“Have some fun. It's okay to laugh once in awhile - the whole process is objectively absurd, after all. Get fascinated by me - watch me. Watch how my body responds to this touch or that breath or your tongue just right there just like that for just that long. And then lay back and let me watch you. There's no place we have to be.





“Foreplay. Think of it as the pre-game warm-up. The more warmed up she is, the better chances you'll have of scoring.





“There is a difference between camera-friendly angles and creative fuckery. Hint: one of them actually feels good with your body (not to mention mine) and not just your eyes. So I can bend that way… I knew that, you’re only impressing your imaginary friends. as if they’re even still watching. They probably fell asleep around the same time I did, when you sledge-hammered me into a coma.





“Here's what I can tell you about me. Not only does my body work differently than the body of the last woman you were with, or the next, or the first, it works differently than its own damn self. That thing you did last week that sent me rocketing off into a very vocal and soggy portion of outer space? Yeah, that. Well, it's not just possible, it's probable, that it won't work like that this week. Or if it does this week and next week and the 52 weeks following, on the 55th week, all of the sudden that thing will have me clenching my teeth (not in the good way). Consider it an ongoing challenge to find that one best thing for just this moment - sort of a perpetual adventure. I'll just wait here with a smile on my face.





“If you are a fan of your "taint" being tickled...make sure that shit is thoroughly WASHED...you might wanna even throw a splash of Pantene or Head and Shoulders down there and go to town with a loofah...you are not a proper gentleman if ya don't...and if ya don't chances of an encore are nil.





“Many of us couldn't care less if you masturbate. Really. In fact, we'd prefer it. See tip number one: you wanna last more than 30 seconds? Stroke your own damn self every now and then.





"For the love of all that is holy, keep your fingernails trimmed and the hangnails nonexistent.

"



“(regarding angles and positions) I'm not even really sure WHY you want my legs behind my head, but... I'm too distracted by the lack of air to really feel anything you're doing. AND, I can't do that thing, you know... That thing you really like? -Yeah, can't do that with my legs behind my head. Sorry, pal.





“Bucking your pelvis while your dick is in my mouth is a bad idea. There's teeth in that end, you know. I'm not saying I'll bite you, but if you ruin my rhythm in a retarded attempt to get it a quarter inch further down my throat (you BRUTE!), it just might happen. YOUR bad.





“Silence is NOT always a virtue. If you lie there as quiet as a corpse with absolutely no outward signs of enjoyment, we get bored/wonder if you've had cardiac arrest/forget what we're doing and wander off to watch CSI instead.





“Be all mine when you're with me and I'll be all yours. I promise not to hold you to forever, but if we're going to open our bodies to each other, let's open them.





“We don't need to exhaust your entire playbook EVERY time. It's complicated, and I hate to do it, but since you don't seem to be able to get a handle on this, I'm going to have to limit you to two positions per fuck... Unless otherwise directed.





"It's really NOT okay if you have an orgasm and I don't. I'll say it's fine, and I'll act all cool about it. But if you had sex and didn't have an orgasm, would you be okay with it? How about if you had 1 orgasm to every 2 of mine? Or how about 1 orgasm to every 3 of mine? Shall I continue? Women are really NOT okay with it, at all. We've just been brainwashed to care more about your satisfaction than our own. Until we get good and tired of it, that is, and then we'll leave you.

"



“She comes first. She cums first! She is the firstest of the comingest of the cuming coming first! She also cums secondly, thirdly, fourthly, and fifth. Then you cum, maybe sixth. Whatever. The point is, please her before you even think of pleasing you. Mess that up, and she's probably never going to call you again. That is if she likes sex at all.

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